I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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