Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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