You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Cover your peen. We're going out.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
