Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
