You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
