you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
