in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
