You're so nebulous sometimes
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
