At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
