If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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