Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
