Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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