my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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