strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
