Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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