elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
