i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
