just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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