The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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