I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
