When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
