Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
