just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
