you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
