i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I stole a fireplace last night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
