Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
