drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
