This is not my ceiling
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
