before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?