is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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