Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind