FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
