can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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