Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
