I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
