EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
