The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
