well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
