literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
