Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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