Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
