I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
