So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
