if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
