Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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