i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
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