last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
