I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
