Just fell off a train. Bad.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
