god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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