There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
