And the cops told us we were all naked.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
