Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
