I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
