I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
