i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I look better un-naked...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
