i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
