I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
