..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
